Still moving forward, still grieving

 

We live a beautiful life in our sweet community surrounded by loving, caring people who shower us with love and support. AND every day is hard. Everything is hard. There is not a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking about Kevin. 

He is everywhere. He is downstairs, when I wake up late on a Saturday, he's got coffee made, ESPN on the TV, puttering around the kitchen making some random new recipe, like an apple skillet bake for a big breakfast for the family. He is beside me walking the halls of the middle school in his plaid shirt, khaki pants, worn out leather shoes and his work badge still hanging from his pocket as I go from classroom to classroom for parent teacher conferences. He is at the all district band concert. He is at Solvei's last Christmas at Luther concert. He is at every family gathering at my parent's house and at his sister's house and all other places where family is. He's placed himself between the boys in church so they don't get goofy. He is sitting out on the screened in porch as I write this, in his Michigan State scrub pants and his Northfield t-shirt doing the Wordle and drinking his 3rd cup of coffee. He is there for all of the things we have always done together, that are woven into the fabric of our family. The things that have made us who we are. 

And then there are the places where he is not. All the new things that he is missing. He is not there to see Odin shine so brightly in his Cross Country season. He's not at Soren's basketball games in his first year on a traveling team. He is not at Greta's first theater performance at Concordia or her first Concordia Christmas concerts. He will not be at Solvei's graduation from Luther in May.  He's not there to sing them "Happy Birthday" and bring them breakfast in bed as they turn another year older. That was his big fear, that he would miss it.  

It's very quickly coming up on the time of year when everything went downhill and we lost Kevin. So, as winter turns to spring and the tulips are pushing up through the ground and the sun sets later, I cannot help but to think about how last year, at this time, we were looking forward to Greta's graduation. We were getting the yard ready for her party. We were going to her last jazz concerts, getting ready for prom. We were still on a high from her performance in her high school's Rock n Roll Revival show. And Kevin wasn't feeling well. It's hitting me hard, those memories and how we didn't know at the time that they were a string of lasts for Kevin and for us as his wife and kids. 

I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted ALL OF THE TIME. I love my job of teaching. I am really lucky to work in the small, cozy school that I do. And, teaching between 80-180 kids a day takes a lot of energy. Being a mom to two teenage boys, and two adult women takes a lot of energy. Managing a household takes a lot of energy. Doing the finances takes a lot of energy. Doing the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning up takes a lot of energy. Grieving a partner of 27 years is so heavy and exhausting. There is not much left for making sure I am taking care of myself. 

This sculpture "The Weight of Grief" shows a great depiction of what grief feels like. How heavy it is. How exhausting each day feels.

I think a part of moving forward is figuring out how we live on without Kevin. How is life the same since he died? How is life different since he died? For the last 25 years a huge part of my identity has been "I am a wife". Now I'm not a wife. I don't have a partner anymore. I don't have that person that I run things by. No one to ask, "How was your day?" No one to share little quips about silly things that happened. No one to complain to about petty things or to be my teammate on the scary, big and important things. 

We've had a few adventures since I last wrote. In February, we were all able to gather to attend Camp Erin for a family grief camp in Lincoln, Nebraska. It was hosted at Mourning Hope, a facility built for grieving. It is a beautiful place and they put us up in a hotel and provided meals. It was wonderful to spend that weekend together. To set aside time as a family to think about Kevin and process the grief that we are living through each day. There was time to be in groups that were specific to our ages and then we had some family activities as well. It was nice. I mean, its not fun. We are there because we lost someone significant. We lost our dad and my husband. So, it wasn't a blast. And yet, it felt good to dedicate time away with each other just for the exact purpose of working through some of that grief. 

People say to me "You are doing such a good job!" and I always laugh because that is NOT how it feels from the inside. I know what they mean. I know that they see me going to work every day, I go to all of the activities, I check in with my kids, I make meals, I pay my bills, I get out of bed every day. Getting out of bed is hard. I am so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Every day. Some days I have more pep in my step than other days but lately I feel like I am walking upstream up to my chest in a strong flowing river. I know I am functioning and putting one foot in front of the other to get through and make it to the next day. But inside I feel devastated. I feel selfish. I feel like I have too many jobs to do and not enough me to go around. I feel like I'm doing just enough of everything but not doing anything very well. I am sad. I miss him. I am mad that I have to do this by myself. I second guess myself all the time. And yet I know that I need to figure out how to care for myself because I need to be here for all of it. So, that is a goal for myself moving forward. 

I took my first step to do just that in February. I took a trip to Mexico City where I visited my dear friend of 30+ years, Steve. I got to take some time when I only had to take care of myself. Solvei and Greta were both home and I think the four of them had a wonderful bonding time while I was a way. And I got to feed my passions of travel and food and adventure with a good friend. So it was good for everyone. Steve and I had some great belly laughs, some amazing meals, a trip down memory lane and he took me up in a hot air balloon! Kevin would have LOVED that! I also got the chance to have lunch with Reno's parents and meet her sister. Reno has been part of our family since Solvei started school at Luther. She was a tennis teammate of Solvei's and she is from Mexico City. She has spent many holidays with us over the last four years and Solvei has spent a lot of time in Mexico City with them. So that was a very special treat!

My plan is to go back to the same school next year. It is a place of comfort for me. I cannot imagine trying something new right now. I thought this school year would be the year for me to figure out what is next, but it turns out I needed AT LEAST this year to get from one day to the next. I continue to keep my options open and am looking for my next step but for now, I feel really good about the work I am doing and I love the school, the kids and the staff where I teach. 

The kids are all moving forward. Solvei finished college at Luther in December and will walk in the graduation ceremony in May. She has been doing a lot of traveling and visiting friends in other states. She's also been doing some housesitting, dog sitting and bartending at a bar in Decorah. It's been nice to have her home on and off this winter. Greta is taking her finals this week in her freshman year at Concordia. She has wonderful friends there, has loved theater and choir and has worked so hard in her classes. Odin and Soren are busy with all the things that 8th grade boys do. Soren loves playing basketball. Odin is still healing from a stress fracture but keeps in shape. They keep me on my toes and are putting my strong conversation skills to the test as they don't have a lot to say. I get a grunt or a "bruh" here and there. 

We feel Kevin with us every step we take. He sometimes sends us signs. We often hear the song "Tell me Something Good" that we played at his funeral. It happens when we are doing something where he would typically love to be. Like they played it at a Timberwolves game that Soren and Solvei were at. They blasted it at the hotel pool in Florida last month when we were staying at the hotel we last stayed  when we went to Florida with Kevin. He sends us other little signs as well. Little things that couldn't possibly just be coincidences. There is comfort in that. 

Those of us that saw Kevin on a daily basis or were strongly connected to him, knew how unwell he was over the last few years. As much as we miss him and as hard as it is to move forward without him, we do often talk about how he wasn't the same Kevin as he was five years ago. And we talk about how uncomfortable he was in the last couple years. His physical and mental health had declined and he wasn't able to be as active as he once was or as engaged. So we know that he is pain free now and that he is with us every step of the way. But we sure miss his kind and caring heart, his love of a good pun,  his goofy dances, his drumming, and singing around the house. I especially miss his hugs. He was a really good hugger. 

There are so many angels here on earth in our lives. My friend Sara, who pays for a house cleaner for us and sends me a bouquet of flowers every month. There's my dad who helps me make financial decisions and keeps me moving forward with a new life insurance policy. There is my cousin, Logan, who has helped me with financial decisions and did my taxes with me. My sister, Melissa, who is less than a mile away, who will do anything I ask her to help me and many things I don't ask her to do. She and her family are our dog Poppy's second home. There are so many of you that send me texts and messages that they are thinking about us or a memory of Kevin. People that will bring a meal. I am so grateful to all of you who keep me uplifted. That will sit next to me when I cry. Who listen to me while I dump my woes. Who give my kids and I grace when we falter, forget or make a mistake. Thank you.

Please continue to pray for us and send positive vibes our way as we come up on the year anniversary of Kevin's death. I am flooded with so many memories and am astounded that a year has gone by in a blur. Sending love to all of you.