I am a mom and....

"Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "mom mom mom mom mom!!!!!" If you are a mom, you know....you know! Kevin and I and our four kids were at the airport last March waiting at the gate to get on a flight to DC, (which we paid $86 round trip per ticket, thank you very much) for spring break. Everyone was in a good mood (how did that happen). No one was fighting (a small, but significant miracle). We were just getting our water bottles filled, making sure devices were charged, going to the bathroom, passing out gum, etc. When our section was called, we stood up to head to the back of the line and a man, probably in his mid-forties, dressed business casual with a laptop on his lap, tapped my arm. His eyes were wide and he said, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! How do you stand it?" Through my laughter I answered, "Oh my gosh, I don't even notice it anymore." I mean, that's what we do, right? That's our daily grind. We are here, at their service. Being a mom is who I am. It is what I am. I would not trade it for anything. It is my greatest joy and I am grateful every day to be able to call myself by that name. A big family is what we wanted. It is what we hoped for. It is what we prayed for. It is what we went through years of fertility treatments for. I never take it for granted. Ever.

A few years ago, when my twin boys were about 17 months old, I went on a long weekend trip to Colorado to meet up with my sisters. I sat down in the aisle seat on that airplane all by myself and suddenly, I was flooded with memories of when I was single and a traveler, of all of the journeys I took by myself, of all of those ledges I stepped off alone, of how those experiences molded me and taught me and made me who I am today. Before the flight even took off, I opened up the notes app on my phone and started an "I am" list. I needed to because I had forgotten all the parts of myself except "I am a mom". I urgently wanted to remind myself of all of the other possible words to fill in that blank.

For the last 16 1/2 years, my four kids have been my everything. I have been employed by school districts since becoming a mom. I have subbed in pre-K through 12th grade, I have taught in the after-school programs, I have screened preschoolers, I have taught 2nd grade. I do it because I LOVE working with kids, of course. But also, I do it because that is the degree and the license I have. I can put money in our bank account by teaching. It comes easily to me. But is it what I want to be doing? Good question…

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. My dear friend, pastor and one time boss, Marsh Drege, wisely preached, “DO YOUR GIFTS!”. I know that I have many undernourished gifts and talents that I would love to explore but there is no space for that in my life in Northfield. There is no time. The lifestyle we left behind in Minnesota is more than I can navigate. I can't figure out how to peel away the layers of my onion in all of that noise. It's too much. The expectations on individuals is overwhelming, to say the least. Finding a balance has been a constant struggle for me. We stepped away from the practices and rehearsals, the lessons, the concerts, the volunteering in the classroom and boards and church volunteering and the running of kids to all parts of town and beyond. We took a break from the pressures of year-round sports and traveling teams. We left the anxiety and stress of loads of homework behind along with those stupid school administered iPads (don't get me started). Our intention is to breathe, to have more down time, to watch the kids making up dances, listen to them singing harmonies and inventing games in the pool after school, to go and explore new places and be brave trying new things. It is also a time for me to practice some self care, to probe a bit at things that call my interest and do some soul searching.

And we are doing just that. Yes, I have taken an online job teaching English to kids in China, because apparently, I CANNOT stop myself from teaching. I am also going to yoga and enjoying walks to the beach. We are taking more naps and eating whole foods. I love that I have the time to work on Soren’s speech with him every day. I love that I can be proactive instead of explosively reactive when one of the kids has an issue or misbehaves or there is an argument brewing. I love that we have time for family hand stand competitions in the pool (Yes! – I ACTUALLY get into the pool these days – my kids love it!) I can do those things, because I feel rested and I’m taking care of myself. I do not CONSTANTLY feel pulled in a hundred different directions. I feel like I am enough. That was a constant struggle for me in our Minnesota life…..never enough.

I will always and forever be a mom, first and foremost. It’s just that I might want to explore other gifts that are calling my name, things that will ignite my passion and fill my bucket. When we were home I couldn't hear it. Everything else was too noisy.....too much chaos. We couldn't see the forest through the trees. It is refreshing to step away and look at the big picture and then have the time and energy to zoom in on the small details. It is my hope that this year away will help us weed out the unnecessary noises that bring us anxiety and perceptions that we are not enough, so we can focus on the things that bring us joy and growth and feelings of sweet success.

P.S. I just looked at my last post and it has been a whole MONTH! Wow! So, here's a little more on the logistical side of things:
This adventure continues to be a challenge but we are feeling more settled and more comfortable every day. We moved into a new, much more comfortable place on the 1st of October. Each kid has his/her own bed and it has more of the conveniences that we are used to (like a dishwasher). Thanks to everyone for the prayers for Kevin. He is feeling the love and the healing. He feels like he has his health issues better under control.

We REALLY miss family and friends. The kids individually ask every once in a while, “Can you tell me again why we are doing this?” They ask because change is hard and transitions are hard and being away from everything and everyone familiar is hard. Yet we are grateful and we feel blessed by experiences that put us in a state of awe and new friends and new perspectives and situations that humble us and make us rethink what we thought we knew to be truth. Kevin and I love seeing the world through a new lens and it's fascinating watching and listening to the kids do the same. What a beautiful gift!

FYI, I do make a daily post on Instagram (triciachristopherson) that goes through to Facebook if you want to follow - it has the hashtag #49inmexico and also #seisinanewplace

We didn't really know how this blog was going to work when we set out on this journey....my Insta posts kind of show the day to day, where this blog has become more of our processing place for our adventure.

Sending love to you all from not so far away!

Tricia