One hour at a time....
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We are supposed to be flying out to Santiago Chile right now, to join Solvei. This week has been on my mind for months. I have punched July 16 into my Google Flights search bar multiple times a week since January. We were so excited to see where Solvei spent her semester, meet her host family and then visit our dear friends in Carlos Paz, Argentina where I lived for a summer 26 years ago. Kevin and I had been talking about and saving for this next adventure since last July. But instead, she is saying goodbye to her friends and wrapping up her chapter in Chile. We are so excited to have her home next week. We all wish we were together, the six of us, off on a new adventure in South America.
We talk about Kevin all the time. Things like, "Dad would have loved that" or "Remember when Dad...." or when Soren and I popped the trunk of Kevin's car to load groceries at ALDI and there were Kevin's golf clubs and shoes. We immediately looked at each other and both said "oh no" because those surprise reminders are tough. Sometimes talk about him brings laughter, sometimes tears and sometimes he's just the topic of conversation.
I tear up at the simplest of things and when it's unexpected. I can go through his dresser and be fine but then the most benign seeming event will spark sadness: seeing gluten free food at the grocery store because making that change for our household when he was diagnosed with celiac was HUGE and now we don't have to think about that anymore. Sitting at the dinner table staring across at his empty spot. Finding a stash of Jolly Joes hidden in his workbench downstairs. Today I saw a friend downtown and she mentioned my boys as her son is a friend of theirs. I asked about basketball this coming year because we haven't done middle school basketball and Soren is interested. She kindly told me about tryouts and some more details and in my head I'm thinking, "Kevin would be so excited. He would be figuring all of this out." And then my brain went to "Geez, how much is this going to cost? How am I going to get them to practices and games by myself while working full time?" and then the tears started to come and it got hard. And then it got awkward. But it's ok. She was kind and I know she understood. It's just figuring all of the dumb daily stuff out without him. Like, who is going to let the dog out during the day when they boys and I are all at school? Who is going to get the snow off the driveway at 6:00 am before we all leave for school this winter? I know, I know. "The boys can do it. You can do it." but Kevin always did that. I never had to think about it and now I need to do it myself or ask someone to do it. I know they are problems with solutions. I'm just sad that my partner is gone. Its that stuff. Or our family count off in the car when we were all going somewhere. He was number 2. Now there's no number 2.
Things that are getting me through each day...my kids, the meals people bring over, sweet, thoughtful cards in the mail, texts of "thinking of you" or "I love you" or "I miss Kevin today", voicemails from loved ones, friends who invite my kids over or take them to play golf or teach them something new, people who are here for us with all of the tricky things we don't know how to do...navigate financial aid, fix our broken bikes, help us with the mower, guide us through medical questions,etc. Odin and I are binge watching Brooklyn 99, Greta and I like to watch The Good Doctor together, Solvei calls to share her adventures in Chile daily, Soren crawls in with me often in the middle of the night, my first tomatoes turned red today and I picked a couple - oh the smell!! Watching our garden bloom, fireflies in our yard at night, coffee on a friend's deck. All those things bring glimmers of joy.
Greta is off to college in the fall. We met her roomate on Tuesday, whose name is also Greta. They are both second children in families of 4. She was sweet and kind and they laughed a lot together. I'm praying for a wonderful year for them. But it also hit me that my Greta is leaving the nest in 6 weeks and my partner isn't here to process that with me. Our baby, our sweet Greta Grace. And he's gone. He's missing it. He's not here to reminisce about the day she was born or about the adorable little lisp she had and how she named all her Littlest Pet Shops, with Sir Ruff Ruff being Kevin's favorite. Mourning what he's missing or will miss is a part of grief that's been visiting me a lot lately.
I am feeling more up to being social and even went to the pool with a friend the other day and out to hear some friends play live music downtown last weekend. It felt nice. I'm not up to that every day. Most days I am not. But sometimes I feel steady enough to go out and do something "normal" and I'll gladly take those little pockets of time, if and when they come.
My dad, my sister Missy and my cousin Logan are saving me with all of our family financial stuff. I have a growth mindset about learning all about managing the household money. Kevin loved that stuff, so he did all of it. We talked about it a lot but I never thought about when bills were due or how much we had in the bank. So, adding that to my plate feels like a lot. I'm thankful to have my penny pinching dad and sister in my corner and my financial planner cousin on my team.
We were able to step away at the end of June for a week long road trip, Odin, Soren, Greta and I. Part of it has been on the calendar for the last five years and the other part, we hopped on the Farner bandwagon for. We attended the Richman Reunion in Tower City, ND where my mom grew up. There were 140 relatives in attendance. It was fun, but overwhelming...too many people. My immediate uncles, aunts and cousins were amazing and I loved spending time with them. Then we went with my parents, sisters and their families to Medora, ND where I have a lot of childhood memories. The kids could run freely and climb the buttes. We explored Teddy Roosevelt National Park, and saw bison and wild horses and so many prairie dogs. Kevin would have loved being in on that. We enjoyed watching the Medora Musical outdoors on a beautiful summer night. Then we headed back to Detroit Lakes to my parent's house for the 4th. It felt good to be away, but you don't leave grief behind. It goes wherever you go. I found it comforting to be together, the four of us, packed in the car for hours at a time or in a hotel room. I wanted them close to me. At home, we are all doing our own things, in our own little corners of the house or out and about. For those seven days, we were together and that was a gift.
I know that he is still with us. We all feel it. I also know that he wanted us to live full lives and to dream and have adventures. He would be proud that we are working hard, that we are learning new things, that we are laughing and making new memories, that we are more patient with each other, we are more willing to lend a hand to get the things done that Kevin always did. We see life in a different light now because we know that tomorrow together is not a guarantee. We believe that we will all be together again one day but while we are here, we are going to make the most of it. As Kevin would say, "!Vivimos más!"
A little after thought:
After six weeks (and counting) of dealing with all the details of the death of a spouse, I offer you some advice: Write down all of your passwords to everything and give it to someone. And then keep it updated. Make sure that someone knows where you have all of your accounts and go see a lawyer about getting a will. Do it today. Kim and Megan at Kraby Decker Law in Northfield have been kind and caring and so very helpful. I'm thankful that Kevin and I always knew each other phone passwords because I can access most everything from his phone. Kevin was really good about having some of our bills in his name and some in mine, so that I would always be building credit. The "business of death", as my friend who is a widow calls it is so complicated and so intricate and the details are unending, especially if you are still raising children. The more you have written out and easily accessible and the more you communicate what you have and where with someone you trust, the easier it will be when the time comes. Putting off getting your affairs in order as if you are not going to one day die is silly. So, do yourself and your loved ones a favor and share that info with someone you trust, today.
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