Brutiful Summer

Kevin's Burial 
August 21, 2024

Kevin's Legacy

Sharing Memories

Forestville State Park

Lake Melissa

Troll Hunting Detroit Lakes

Lake Melissa

Roomate Weekend

St Paul Saints Game

Pizza Farm

Kayaking on the St. Croix

Taylor's Falls Drive Inn

Nerstrand State Park

Medora

Theodore Roosevelt National Park

Richman Family Reunion

Dana and Melissa's Pool Party

Great Wolf Lodge

This summer has been brutiful. It has been brutal AND beautiful, to quote Glennon Doyle. The kids and I have spent constant, quality time together, holding each other close and having little adventures like Kevin would have loved us to have. We got to hike, be at the lake, kayak, search for trolls, swim in Dana and Melissa's pool, go camping and just sit in our grief together. I have surrounded myself with our dear family and friends that love us and loved Kevin. I've been living in this bittersweet bubble where I can be 100 percent in my grief. I can laugh and be joyful and cry tears of pain all within a short conversation with the people in my bubble. Their lives have changed too. They miss him too. They see what a profound impact Kevin had on this world. I don't know how to do life without Kevin. 27 years with the same partner. Every move I have made, every decision, every routine, every memory, every boring, dumb thing and every joyful, exciting event he has been a part of. My other half. 

Tomorrow we leave to take Greta to college and my heart....my sweet Greta Grace. How I will miss her energy in this house. Her voice calling, "Mama"...she's the one that calls me "Mama". I'll miss that. AND I am sooooo excited for her. She is ready to shine her bright light into this next chapter of her story. I start teacher workshops on Monday. Then we take Solvei back for her senior year to Iowa next weekend. She only has a semester left. How did we get here? It has been such a gift having her home for the last five weeks. She is full of excitement and passion for her next steps and we are so proud of her.  Deep breaths. One day at a time. This summer is coming to an end and I know that reality comes knocking. The boys are out this morning at the middle school welcoming 6th graders and showing them the ropes and then sleeping at the track for a 24 hour relay for cross country. The rumble of the school year is coming down the tracks. My safe grieving bubble is about to burst. I know that I will learn how to live life without him here everyday. I know that I don't have to do it all at once. I know I just have to get up, brush my teeth, make my coffee, take the dog for a walk and do the next thing on the list. I can do it. I have so many people lifting me up, sending me positive thoughts and energy. We have so many people praying for us. I will take each step knowing that we are loved. But each step is hard work. I have to learn to walk through life carrying this grief while interacting with people outside of my bubble, while teaching curious and active kiddos at work, while paying bills and keeping up with kids activities and putting on a face of "normalcy". I'm not quite sure what that looks like now that my whole world has changed. But I'll give it a try. 

This week we buried Kevin's remains. I bought a plot in a beautiful local cemetery close to our house. I think it will be nice to visit Kevin there. My hope is that our children and I will have a place of comfort to go to tell him all the things we want to share with him even though we know he is walking every step alongside us. Its a physical place to go to just be in our thoughts with him. Family gathered on the most beautiful summer evening. The sun was going down and peeking through the big oak trees, a couple of cardinals sat near to watch, and there was a soft breeze as we sang some of Kevin's favorite Lutheran hymns and we put him to rest. Pastor Phil led us through a beautiful ceremony to say our last goodbyes. We all held the urn that held his ashes and we laid him in the ground. It was perfect. It was brutiful. I had written some words and cried through them. Here is what I said:

Kevin’s been gone for 2 ½ months and it still does not seem real. Every day has been so hard. How do you move on after 27 years of joys and sorrows side by side? How do you keep on when you’ve lost your father, your son, your brother, your husband, your beloved family member, your dear friend? So we ask, what would Kevin do? We all know that Kevin’s health struggles were innumerable and uncomfortable and never ceasing. His body was always coming up with something tricky and new. Despite all of it, he ALWAYS lived with the attitude that things were going to get better. He never gave up. He never quit. He always had hope. So we will take the next step by living like Kevin. We will live with the hope that things will get better.

This morning, I sat out on the porch and listened to the birds call out their good mornings to each other.  I played some songs and read some poems about life and love and death. What spoke to my heart was thinking about the life Kevin lived with us. What he did with those years between 1970 and 2024. The Broadway Musical Wicked soundtrack has been a favorite in our house for a number of years. This morning I put on the song “For Good”. It's about two friends saying goodbye to each other and reflecting on the impact they have had on each other’s lives. It goes like this 

“So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend. 

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

Kevin had an impact. I can say with certainty that all of us gathered here are partly who we are today because we knew Kevin. Part of us is made of what we learned from him. Because we knew him, we have been changed for good. 

The life Kevin and I built together is beautiful and I am thankful every day for the seeds that we planted for our family. We really did live our dream together. I am grateful to him for the love, the friendships, the family memories, the booming drum beats from the basement, the dancing in the kitchen, the long road trips, the hikes, the concerts, the routines, our faith life in the church, the family dinners at our kitchen table, the goofiness, our beautiful home and the list goes on. We planted those seeds together and had many years to watch them blossom and grow. We lived in the beauty and the hardships of it together. Now he has left. Yet the life we built together isn’t over. We continue to grow and flourish using what he taught us. He will be here with us because he is a part of us. He taught us to live abundantly, to laugh, to help others, to be a good listener, to be kind and to have faith. He also taught us things that he struggled with that weren’t so easy. We learned the hard way together to not sweep things under the rug but to talk about the stuff that is uncomfortable. To ask for help when you need it. To apologize for mistakes we make. That love isn’t easy but doing the hard work together is worth it. He was hopeful and joyful and kind. He has left his handprint on all of our hearts. We will miss him every day but because we knew him, we are changed for good.

He is gone by David Harkins 

You can shed tears that he is gone

Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on