Walking through it
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| The hottest day. We moved Greta into her dorm and said “goodbye” to our safe little bubble of five. |
Oh, my heart. He's been gone four plus months now. How can that be? Putting one foot in front of the other is harder than I thought it ever could be. The journey getting from Kevin's burial at the end of August to today has been exhausting and every step has felt so heavy. I feel like I am wearing a weighted blanket on my shoulders that no one can see. The thing is, grieving is not something you can avoid. You have to walk through it. There is no way of getting around it or sneaking past it. You have to put one foot in front of the other and walk straight into the pain and sadness of it. You have to wake up and take out the garbage that he always took out. You have to load the van to take a child to college...he was so good at that. You have to drop them off in their dorm, say goodbye and drive home...alone. No one is coming to take his place. You just have to walk right through it. You have to go to work every day and take care of your responsibilities even with that weighted blanket hanging on your shoulders. One thing at a time. One step at a time.
Along with the pain and sadness I have felt so much love. We are being held up and supported by so many people everywhere. I have so much gratitude for all of the love, prayers and thoughts coming to us. I am thankful for family and how they are always there for us. My sister Melissa and her family have been amazing supports from the day Kevin went into the hospital. They live less than a mile from us and have really been a rock for me. I'm thankful for my inner circle of friends who are constantly checking in on me and reminding me that I am not alone and that we are so loved. I am thankful for work and the consistency it gives me. I'm thankful for our sweet, small town and how there are so many eyes on my boys. I'm thankful that my dear friend, Sara is sending a housecleaner to help with that big chore. We decided to stop the Meal Train, yet some friends arranged for frozen meals to fill up my freezer. I cannot express how nice any meals have been. Whether you brought a fresh meal, a frozen meal, a gift card to a restaurant or Doordash. Each of those have been greatly appreciated. They have helped with grocery bills and made life so much easier for all of us. So we are not short on gratitude.
I had written about how anxious I felt leaving my bubble when the girls went off to college and how nervous I was to go back to work. It proved to be just as difficult, if not harder than I had anticipated. It has been a whirlwind. We buried Kevin's remains on a Wednesday in August. Three days later we loaded up the van and headed to Concordia to move Greta into her dorm at to start her freshman year. She loved it from the minute she arrived. My sister Kristi and Brent and their boys came with us to help which felt so secure.
The next day I started teacher workshops, which I don't really remember. It took everything in me to carry my body into those meetings and sit in a chair and listen/participate in getting ready for the students to come back. Then that weekend, Solvei and I packed up the van and moved her into her house on Luther campus for her last semester of college. That was a hard trip for both of us. Kevin was such a part of her three previous years there. He loved the campus and was always willing to run down to see her or pick her up to come home for a break or the weekend.
Then two days later, I started teaching, full time, for the first time since Solvei was born. It is exhausting. I teach small group special ed in the mornings and Spanish to 80 kids in the afternoons. I love the kids, I love the school where I teach but it is so draining. Especially with that weighted blanket around my shoulders. So, I am looking for new opportunities for jobs after this school year. I need great health benefits, a flexible schedule and at least $80,000 a year. Let me know if you have any opportunities you think I should look at.
The question I get most from people is "How are your kids?". They are all doing well. Each one is grieving in their own way. We check in a lot. It hits us all differently and at different times. Greta told me of a song they are singing in choir that was very emotional for her. Her director pulled her aside and they talked it over. He asked if she would share what that song meant to her with the choir and she did. She shared what she said with me. I am so proud of her strength and vulnerability. Solvei and I check in daily. She is walking through her grief too. She is happy at school, loves her classes and keeps herself very busy as always. We can't believe she will be done in two months. She will finish at the end of this semester. It's been a challenge for her to find a counselor in Iowa on MN health insurance. The counselors on campus are booked, so that is a frustration. But she is strong and resilient and moving forward. The boys and I went to Decorah and Concordia within the last month and got to see Greta and Solvei in their element at their respective colleges. They are both happy and thriving. Odin and Soren are typical 13 year old boys and they are NOT big talkers. I constantly remind them that whatever they are feeling is perfectly normal. We talk about all the ways Kevin would be proud of them and the things that they are doing. He would have felt so proud of their Cross Country season where they are improving their times and working so hard every day. That Odin is so dedicated and is on top of the JV team in his 8th grade year. He would love that they are watching football and Soren is in three Fantasy Football leagues. He would be thrilled that Soren has been really working hard on his basketball skills and is giving that a try this winter. We joke a lot about what Dad would be doing or saying in certain situations. We also all like to share when Kevin sends a "sign" or shows us that he is with us. We are walking through it together. I'm so proud of each of them. They are amazing. They keep me on my toes and keep me smiling, laughing and moving forward.
Sometimes I get the sense that people want me to be ok. Like, "Are you better now? Is it easier now?" and I know that it comes from a place of love. They don't want us to suffer or feel sad, but grief doesn't work like that. It's does not start at the bottom and trend upward. I will say that I am getting used to him being gone, which feels sad in itself. I no longer come down the stairs in the morning expecting that he’s got the coffee going, the dishwasher unloaded and will be sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee watching “Good Morning Football” and then say to me in that goofy voice “Good Morning Football!” But I don't feel like it's "easier" or that I'm "better". I know that I will never be the same. I am hoping that the weighted blanket will get lighter as time goes on. But for us, our world has shifted. One of parts of grief that is hard to come to terms with is that not everyone's world has shifted. For my household, our lives have changed dramatically, but that's not true for everyone. That is hard to navigate.
I had gone out one night with some dear friends to talk about our kids who had just graduated and were headed off to college. I got in the mode before I left with a mindset of "Okay, lets focus on the task at hand here. We are moms discussing the topic of our children leaving the nest. Stay in that lane, Tricia". So I did and it was a lovely evening. I came home that night and finished off a blog post I'd been writing about this journey of grief. I sent it out into the world and one of the friends who I'd been with the evening before sent me a message, "I had no idea you felt that way. You seemed fine last night." The thing is, it is ALWAYS sitting there, this grief, heavy on my shoulders. Right at the surface. Keeping it there, without showing it every minute is a LOT of work. Don't get me wrong, it comes out often. I cry almost everyday on my way to work, many days at work in my short quiet moments when I'm not with kids and at home a lot. I was getting dinner ready not too long ago and the boys were helping get the table set. I was talking about something that reminded me of Kevin that day or maybe I was reminding them that just because our family has gone from six around the table to three that I still hold family dinners each night sacred. That we are still have family traditions even though our family has changed and I got emotional and started crying. Once we were at the table eating, one of the boys said, "Mom, maybe it's time you find a counselor to talk about this." Sweet boy. We talk a lot about feelings in our house these days. We do a lot of check ins. We talk about any feelings we have or even not knowing how we feel is OK. They hear and see me cry a lot and I always tell them, "I'm ok. I'm just feeling sad right now but I'm ok." And I am seeing a counselor, by the way.
Thank you for loving us and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I am slowly but surely making it through my list of thank you notes. We are really feeling the love and are so thankful for all the support we have received. It helps as we walk through this grief weighing heavily on our shoulders. Kevin is with us and prompting us to live our lives to the fullest. Both girls will be home at the end of this week for fall breaks and I am over the moon to have us all together again. As he would say, "Vivo más!" We are doing our best to live more and live abundantly.
I was watching the Emmy Awards at the beginning of September and Jelly Roll performed a song that made me perk up. I was like, "YES! You have hit the nail on the head, Jelly Roll! That is exactly it!" It's called "I'm Not Okay". I'll leave you with the lyrics:
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